"The difference between the parties is simple. Republicans use their party to gain personal power. Democrats go against their party to gain it."

"I don't take heavy things lightly."

"Penises are gross. I know both of mine are."

"I am firmly against porn. It pays too poorly."

"If I was any more bipolar, magnets would reverse themselves in my presence."

"I'm not gay, nor are any of the men I sleep with."

"I only know one thing, and I've forgotten it."

"I lost my virginity but my Navy bunkmate found it."

"No blog anywhere ever convinced anyone of anything."

"I'm so deep in therapy, my therapist wears a re-breather."

"I remember the first time I committed suicide. Good times."

"If you're good in life, then after you die you see me. If you're bad, then you see me naked."

"Sex is like war, but where the victor gets to ejaculate."

"If Paxil was alcohol, I'd be Dean Martin."

"For some people, suicide is a perfectly legitimate way to end an argument."

"I tried to get in touch with my feminine side but she screamed rape."

"If I was any more Left, I'd be in oncoming traffic."

"I wasn't born ugly, I earned it."

"I accidentally set a U.S. flag on fire once. Fortunately I was able to put it out by beating it with some Bibles."

"Hyperbole is overrated."

"I don't listen to music. Music listens to me."

"I may not agree with your position, but I'll defend your right to die for it."

"I guess you could call me a homophobe. I only sleep with gay men who really, really frighten me."

"9/11 didn't change everything. 9/11 became the excuse for everything."

"I oppose the death penalty, but might make an exception in the case of my critics."

"Religion is an addiction. I like to think I'm cured of it."

"I was joking. My son doesn't really have a vagina. He takes after his mother that way."

"My inner child reported me for inappropriate touching."